April's Story

I was born in Decatur, Alabama. My parents divorced when I was 7, which was really difficult....but I adjusted to it. They both remarried & my dad & stepmom had a son together, my little brother, Jordan. I have an older brother that I've never had a relationship with...he's 9 years older than me....I'm 13 years older than my little brother, so I vowed to always be the best sister I could be to him! He called me Sissy. My best friend. When my mom remarried, we moved to Tennessee. I was around 10. I adjusted well, made lots of friends, was a cheerleader, on the honor roll, etc.... Then when I was a freshman, I was 15, a guy that rode my school bus walked into my school (Richland High School) on November 15, 1995 & shot 2 teachers & one of my best friends.

 

One teacher & my friend died. I saw my friend get shot. Shortly after that, I began smoking weed & thought, "Wow! Finally some relief from all of this pain!" I smoked weed almost every day for 10 years....drank occasionally, but alcohol was never really my thing.... I snorted cocaine for about a year & on my 18th birthday, I felt "weird" in a horrible way after I snorted the first line & prayed, "God, if you please let me stop feeling this way, I'll never do it again." Within 10 minutes, I felt fine & I never did it again! I experimented with ecstasy....the 3rd time I did it, it paralyzed me from the neck down for a few minutes & again I prayed the same prayer....& again, about 10 minutes later, I felt fine & never did it again!

 

That was also my first panic attack. I began having chronic panic attacks, which lasted 10 years....nightmares, flashbacks....scared of the dark....always scared something terrible was gonna happen!! Lived in complete & total fear 24/7! I started nursing school in 2000 & began experimenting with pills with my boyfriend at the time.

 

We'd just take them on the weekends. I graduated LPN school in 2001 & passed my state boards with flying colors & began working as a nurse. I started taking Oxycontin on a daily basis....got up to 160mg per day....then I looked in the mirror one day (I was 21 or 22) & again prayed that same prayer....& again, never touched them again! So, I never thought I was an addict because I could always just stop....but what I didn't realize was that I would stop, BUT I would substitute something else in its place!

 

Then, in January 2005.... I was 24....my little brother, Jordan, was 11....we found out he had brain cancer!! That crushed my soul. I became very angry with God. My pill use increased....by this time, I was taking Lortabs & still smoking weed.... Jordan had 2 brain surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation, & 1 year of chemo, then went into remission....but my addiction just grew.

 

Then in 2007, I found out I was pregnant & I quit everything....but I don't count that as clean time because I did it because I HAD to, not because I WANTED to.... I had a C-section on August 29, 2007 & had my precious son, Jackson. The doctor prescribed me Lortab for pain. I took them as prescribed. Then that November, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia & degenerative joint disease & was prescribed Lortab indefinitely. 4 years later I was taking 40-60 a DAY!! I lied, stole, manipulated.... I knew I was dying & had written everyone I loved a letter & kept them in a shoebox under my bed....we lived with my mom & stepdad....& every night I would slide that shoebox out from under my bed just in case I didn't wake up. I wanted so badly to stop! I would scream & cry out to God to PLEASE HELP ME STOP, then 10 minutes later take more pills.The choice was ripped away from me & that scared me!

 

Then on August 5, 2011, I woke up, took what I normally took, looked over at my son who was asleep in the bed beside me (he was 3) & began crying. Something hit me! I realized at that moment that one day that precious baby was gonna wake up & find his Mommy dead!! I grabbed my phone & called Bradford (rehab). 2 days later, I went to rehab. I had no idea what I was getting myself into & I was terrified! I called in to work at the hospital I was working at & told them I wouldn't be back to work for awhile.

 

I stayed in rehab almost 3 months! I was in there during my son's 4th birthday, my birthday, & my little brother (he was 17) was getting chemo because the brain cancer had come back! The first 3 weeks I was angry & resistant to treatment & wanted to leave! Then, on my son's birthday I was having a horrible day....had like 3 bad panic attacks....felt like a horrible mother for being in rehab on my baby's birthday....& I went to my room, got on my knees, & cried my eyes out begging God to help me! Something told me to open my Bible, so I did. I just blindly opened it & the verse I opened it to was Proverbs 3:5-6...."Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." I was like WOW!! That day I surrendered. I began listening & taking all of their suggestions, even the ones I didn't like. Lol. My little brother's impact letter was my rock bottom. I truly believed my addiction had not affected him! But I was wrong! The last sentence said, "I love you, I believe in you, & I just want my sister back!" He NEVER looked down on me! He was the ONLY one that NEVER judged me & always encouraged me & accepted me just as I was! I got out of rehab October 17, 2011 & was terrified to go home! I began going to both NA & AA because there wasn't an NA meeting every night in my hometown. It was tough! I went back to the same job & had to hold my drug of choice in my hand every day I worked! I worked all 12 Steps with a sponsor & that changed my life!! God led me to the Steps & in turn, the Steps led me to God! Recovery hasn't been easy! 2015, last year, was the absolute WORST year of my life thus far!! I lost my job, my car was repossessed, doctors thought I had cancer & had to have my thyroid surgically removed, was in complete financial ruin, & the worst thing of all happened.....one of my 2 reservations.... My best friend, my human hero, my inspiration, my little brother, Jordan, passed away from brain cancer!!!!! He was just 21. I watched him take his last breath. I swore off nursing for good! I did not think I could handle being a nurse mentally or emotionally anymore after watching my brother struggle/suffer for 9 months & then die!

 

This sent me into a state of major grief & depression & triggered my PTSD again! It literally almost killed me! A week after his birthday (Oct 22nd), I sat in my bed with a gun to my head. I did not wanna be here without him! Then, something hit me! I realized that either my 8 year old son or my mom would find me & I could not stand the thought of causing them that much pain! So I put the gun up & immediately hit my knees in my bedroom floor with tears streaming down my face & screamed to God to PLEASE somehow let me know my brother is okay & please reveal to me what it is He wants me to do with my life because I knew what I was doing wasn't it! I had been up for 40+ hours....I have chronic insomnia....so I decided I needed to try to get some rest. I laid down on my left side & dozed off....all of a sudden I felt a hand touch my right shoulder....I saw my brother's beautiful blue eyes in some clouds & I felt him hug me!! I woke up & sat up in bed sobbing....but for the first time, these were tears of comfort....God had answered my prayer & let me know Jordan was okay! I then got on Facebook & had a private message from a woman I worked with YEARS ago at a hospital & it said, "Hey April. We need a good nurse where I work. Are you willing to work?" I was like WOW!! That was God answering my other prayer & revealing to me what He wanted me to do with my life! I told her Yes! I went & got the job the next day! Today, I have an awesome job, a car, I did NOT have cancer, my son is healthy, I am slowly healing from the loss of my brother, I have a book of my poetry published (I write poetry & my little brother always used to tell me to get them published & in November, I did! And I dedicated the book to him!), & I AM STILL CLEAN!! And yes!! It has been the hardest thing I have EVER done!! My life motto is Galatians 6:9....even have it tattooed on my back....it says, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." And I am living proof that it is 100% true!!

 

So if you're struggling, if you're feeling hopeless....please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! There is HOPE!! If I can do it, ANYBODY can!! DO NOT GIVE UP!! Please feel free to message me ANY time!! The lie is dead!! WE DO RECOVER!! Thank you for letting me share.

 

Peace & Hugs,

April Grisham