Walking Back Into Hell

I consider myself Blessed that I have been given the GIFT of the following experience EVERY YEAR that I approach my Sober Anniversary. This year, it decided to revisit me in the early hours of this morning. I had a "Using Dream" Many of you who will read this will wonder why I am just now writing about it, and still others may question why I did not employ one of the "Yellow or Red" emoticons that are available to us, should we need them.

 

Well, here is why. As I posted this morning when I awoke, my emoticon of choice was (and still is) HAPPY!!! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I AM HAPPY AFTER HAVING A USING DREAM!!! The answer is quite simple, I WOKE UP SOBER!!! Actually, I awoke sobered to the reality that I am at a phase of my development where I can have these "Dreams", reenter for a brief period the HELL from which I came from, and most importantly WITH COMPASSION FACE AGAIN THOSE DAYS LEADING UP TO THE GREATEST GIFT OF MY LIFE!!!

 

For those who have read my "Story" at the time when I first entered the "Rooms of Recovery" I was less than grateful, but than again I was less than human. Plus, due to the fact that I have sustained and survived several Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI's) there are parts of my Past that I simply do not remember. In my conscious reality there are periods of my Life that I will Swear in front of a Judge, a stack of Bible's, and on my Father's Grave DO NOT EXIST!!!

 

HOWEVER, Recovery is a process. Therefore, accepting for a moment the cliche "Time Takes Time", THOUSANDS of hours of Meditation, Contemplation, and the Willingness to be Willing that SOMEDAY I MAY REMEMBER, even if those memories are NOT pretty, they are the reason that I am able to be present today. So believe it or not, I have been BLESSED with a Using Dream. This tells me VERY CLEARLY THE FOLLOWING:

 

1) I am STILL an Alcoholic and Drug Addict (even though I have RECOVERED from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body)

 

2) My journey in these Robes is far from complete (even as I have chosen this year to practice Dying with Dignity and Honor)

 

3) My "WORST DAY" Sober is still better than my "BEST DAY" Using.

 

4) I still Love Booze and Dope, but Respect that I have NO BUSINESS REESTABLISHING THAT CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP. One Day At A Time.

 

5) I am GRATEFUL AND BLESSED that I STILL REMEMBER what it FELT LIKE to be the way I was, before I was given this GIFT OF GRACE!!!

 

I recognize that there may be those of you who read this, and wonder how I can be so GRATEFUL for this experience, and even stranger GRATEFUL for my Disease. I can be, because like anything in life it is a matter of CHOICE!!! I look forward to hearing what other have to share.

 

Love you all. HUGS!!

Fredrick Blanken