Freddie's Story

My name is Freddie L. and I am an addict, I am here as a direct result of prayers, from the people who love me unconditionally, the very same people I lied, cheated and stole from. Growing up on the street after being left behind at a motorcycle clubhouse at the age of nine my addiction to a lifestyle of chaos started young. I was raised in an environment that is best described as insane.

 

I remember my first year with the brothers I ate scraps and from the trash. Not that they wanted it that way they just did not think about raising a kid or were too loaded to remember. My first years I was moved house to house and told of all the bad things that would happen to me if the police found out about me. These feelings of mistrust in the “system” ran deep in me for had not this system taken my parents and left me behind?

 

I was careful to always do well in school so no one would know about my lack of supervision. I would come home to people duct taped and beaten up or women handcuffed to the stove and never thought this unusual, just made a mental note of what they might have done so I would never make that mistake. Fear was just a way of life for I was surrounded by these huge hairy guys who believed in justice served by their own means. Drugs to me at this time were a way to become more independent and I would sell to my friends so I could buy clothes and things so I would “fit in”. Like most of us find out in this program drugs were just a way to hide from my own insecurities and fears. At the age of 15 life took an ugly turn to institutions and jails. When I was fifteen a drunk driver killed my girlfriend, not only took her life but the life of my unborn child that I had not even been told about. Angry and full of rage I started drinking. Three days latter blacked out on alcohol I did what I was taught to do and served what I considered justice. To this day only some parts do I remember. The driver was released on bail, for in the 70’s there was no MADD mothers, and I walked up and shot him. I was sentenced to 7 years to life for murder under mental distress. This was the start of my major drug use. In prison I was a hero for the group I was raised in ranks pretty high in the “underworld.” I was supplied drugs by the brothers and was a dealer behind the walls. Eighty six months later I was granted a date for release, only to graduate to a patch and full club membership.

 

I tried to consume as much meth as I could to numb the screaming child in me. To hide the fears of all I witnessed and the things I did to others for deep inside I knew I should not do these things but I was scared of letting down the mask. Thirty years I lived the lie and the only information I had was that of a street survivor and a prison mentality. No respect for myself and such low self esteem, I was willing to do whatever it took to fit in. In my addiction I had no hope and nothing to look forward to. I did not care who got in front of me and my next fix, it was fuck you, fuck life, fuck GOD!!! But GOD had other plans for me. GOD had a purpose for me...GOD disguised himself as a cop, as a judge, as a lawyer....me why me?

 

I am a fucking junkie, a low life. HE said you are going to an N.A. 12 step program, boy even if you don't want to. GOD has put people in front of me to help me get through all that I was trying to hold on to. One foot in front of the other, baby stepping and above all surrendering. GOD has granted me a LIFE today. Today I have a family who do not judge me, I am a student working towards a masters degree, I am a man, I dream, I hope, I have a purpose. My job is to let the addict who still suffers know that you don't have to DIE like that.....To pass on a message of hope....my clean date by the grace of GOD,,,,7/01/07...... my priorities are GOD, recovery, family and relationships, I will not for any reason put one above the other.

 

Freddie L.