My journey with drugs /alcohol began when I was about 14 years old. I was molested from 14 years old up to 17 years old. I used drugs and alcohol to cope with it and thought that sex was love. I moved out when I was about 17 and went from streets, hotels, anywhere I could stay besides home. I went from one bad abusive relationship to another. I eventually got pregnant and had a son after he was born I still drank and smoked pot. I used to tell myself that if I didn’t do it around my child it was ok. Its funny how our brain tries to rationalize things that we know are wrong. My son spent a lot of time at my parents’ house. I eventually got pregnant again with a daughter and a different abusive boyfriend this time. This boyfriend persuaded me to do cocaine. So, after my daughter was born, this became my drug of choice. Once again, I convinced myself that if I didn’t do it in front of my child, I wasn’t hurting anyone. Four weeks before my daughters one-year birthday, her liver started to shut down. She spent two weeks in the children’s hospital hooked up to machines, they ran every single test they knew of on her. They couldn’t figure out why this was happening. Her brain started swelling also at this point. Even when the liver started working again her brain was pushing against her skull.
I spent every minute I could with her, I lived at the hospital. My son was placed with my Mom and Dad until the investigation was done. Everything kept coming up negative, it was happening so fast. So, it came time for me to make a choice, she could come home and stay on machines for the rest of her life or be taken off the machines. They had already declared her brain dead. I chose to let her go and my life spiraled out of control. I started doing cocaine all the time and drinking. I started popping sedatives, I found if you give people a place to do their drugs, they share. I didn’t have to spend a dime, I just provided a place. I even remember taking my 3-year-old son with me to the drug house and sitting in the car while my boyfriend was inside making deals. Finally, one night when my boyfriend was out running around, and my son was in bed asleep, I did so much cocaine in such a short amount of time. I laid on my bed and felt like I was slipping away, I prayed for the first time since I was a child. I promised God that if I woke up in the morning, I would walk away from it all. I just knew I didn’t want my son to wake up to a dead Mother. The next morning, I woke up and guess what I stopped it all. I still had the drug addicted boyfriend though and one night when I was asleep my house was raided.
I was arrested, and my boyfriend was arrested, and my son went to a friend of mine. They found a spoon with crack residue on it and some other paraphernalia that my boyfriend had hidden in the house, after I told him not to do it in the house anymore. He owned up to it all and they let me go the next day. I decided to move out of the house and me and my son moved in with family. I never touched drugs again, it took a little longer to quit the alcohol. The hardest part about quitting drugs was losing people I thought were friends but i became friends again with old friends that I fell away from when I was on drugs. I started going to church every Sunday and teaching Sunday school with my Mom. I even met my first husband and 5 years later had twin boys. I even quite drinking and smoking cigarettes.
Three years after my twins were born I had another son. I never dealt with the pain, hurt and anger from my past so I reverted to using sex as love. I let it ruin my marriage and after 10 years of marriage we divorced, and I got professional help to deal with it all. I eventually had to forgive those who wronged me, and I had to ask for forgiveness of those I wronged. I had to let go of the guilt I carried for so long and I had to forgive myself. I eventually even forgave my sexual abuser. I even found love again, real Love! He is now my husband and he was once fighting his addiction too. I have someone who understands my struggles. I have been clean from drugs for 14 years and I have been alcohol and cigarette free for 9 years now. So here is my Journey to sobriety, I truly hope this helps someone out there. We are a lot stronger than we think, just take one day at a time.
Keyona