12-step junky

I used to be an ultra-religious twelve step junky. On a hot, sticky day in June 2007, I found myself at the door of a Christian homeless shelter begging for help. I wanted to get a shower. I’d been wearing the same clothes for days. I wanted to rest. I had been on a long crack bender. I had no more money to spend on the high. I had already given my car to the drug dealer who had not returned it. I wasn’t worried about what I had to do that day by signing myself in as a resident and declaring myself homeless. I knew I had an addiction problem. I knew I needed help.

My addiction began when the doctor prescribed me pain pills after the birth of my second son. I was 21. My son’s father was already into drugs and alcohol and I’m surprised, looking back, that I hadn’t gotten on drugs sooner. I used pain pills for a few years. Then I put heroin up my nose. Within a year, I was shooting it in my arm. Then I found methadone. And while on methadone, I found crack. Crack took me to a lower bottom than heroin. I found myself robbing and stealing daily, until one day I was arrested and ultimately spent a little over a year in the county jail. In 2007, after three failed attempts at rehab, I was standing at the door of a homeless shelter, a collapsed soul.

I feel that my story mirrors so many other addicts’ stories. I found kindred spirits in the rooms of recovery. I embraced the 12-step model and made friends with Jesus. I did the 90 meeting in 90 days and got a sponsor.

Abject fear of relapse kept me close and dependent on my sponsor and people in the church and in the meetings. I didn’t feel safe on my own. For my first three years clean, I spent it living in sober living environments. While there, I spent thousands of dollars on a Bible study program in the hopes of being a leader in the church someday.

Meanwhile, my children were living with their grandmother and hating every minute of it. I was told to let go and let God. One day, I got a text from my oldest son which was abnormal. He was not a fan of me or my recovery and had huge resentments toward me, which were legitimate. I’d been a terrible mother. The text opened my eyes and I realized that it was time for me to put my children first. God would surely understand. Whether He did or not, I’ll never know. It’s not like I heard from Him directly. I told my pastors that I was dropping out of the bible study program and getting a lawyer and going for visitation of my children. The pastors suggested I not do it. My sponsor said it was a bad idea.

Within a few months, I had left the area and moved back to where I was from. The money I’d have spent on a biblical education and diploma instead won me visitation with my children.

Within two years of leaving that church, they went bankrupt and closed and my sponsor, who had seemed to work a strong program, relapsed.

By 2010, the life I knew in my early recovery was gone forever. The people, the church, everything.

That series of events taught me to trust my gut instinct. People mean well but they are not always correct in their thinking. I went home, against everyone’s better judgment. I made the right decision.

Today, with over 11 years sober, I can tell you that putting my children first was the one of the best decisions of my recovery.

In December of 2010, I got full custody back. My children, husband and I have lived in the same home for nine years. My oldest son is an opiate addict with six years clean. Two of my kids are in college. The younger ones are honor roll students.  I, myself, am a college student, due to graduate in two months.

In early recovery, I was very judgmental of people who chose a different path to get and stay clean. I was sure that the 12-step model combined with Jesus were the only path to long term recovery. Over the years, I’ve lightened up. Although the 12-step program is the trendy way, it is not the only way. Jesus is the prevalent higher power but not everyone will subscribe to Christianity. And that is ok.

There are many ways to maintain sobriety. I don’t knock anyone who has found a way to abstinence whether their path is like mine or not. The drug epidemic is America is growing like wildfire. I respect every addict and alcoholic who finds a way out of the vicious cycle of addiction.

Bio

Facebook Comments