James Story

10 years ago today I made a choice.

 

A choice that changed everything for me.

 

A choice that would take me on a journey of self-discovery. I was sitting in the passenger seat of my mother’s car as she drove me to the airport. The previous 15 years flashed before my eyes. Every day was the same… A flurry of alcohol and bad decisions. For a while it was fun….

It was a party…. A party just about every day. Gradually it became the center of my life. I was drinking no matter what the occasion. I was a pro when it came to drinking. This became a learned skill for me. And I certainly had the results to prove it. Drinking everyday… 3 DUI’s … before the age of 23... Broken relationships… In and out of jail… Fights… Hospital visits…

 

Lost jobs… Hurting the people that cared about me the most.

Dark days, man.

 

Now I was riding in that car trying to hold back the tears. Still kind of nauseous and hungover from the night before. A wave of anxiety impaled me. But something told me if I didn't follow through with what I was about to do, I would lose everything. Or end up dead in just a matter of time. I thought to myself… “I just can't-do this anymore.”

I had just turned 30, and I knew I wouldn't make it to 40 doing the shit I'd been doing. I was just too tired…. Too tired of the pain Too tired of feeling worthlessness Too tired of disappointing myself – and disappointing others Too tired of partying Too tired of drinking Too tired of lying to myself Too tired of feeling like shit every day. Too tired of living in this prison I’d created for myself… And too tired of building the bars around me.

 

The drinking really was just a side effect of what was really going on. I had to get honest with myself. If I wanted to change my life, I had to get answers. And the answers weren't out there. I had to take a hard look at myself Square up with myself. I was just so fucking scared. I don't know what scared me more – the thought of losing everything or dying. Or… giving up drinking…and my identity. As I looked down at my hands seeing the trembling from the alcohol withdrawal I had nothing left. Rock bottom. I felt soulless – like a shell of a human being. Nothing else to lose except my life and my family. At this rate that wasn't too far off. But once I got on that plane things were going to be different…. Waiting for me on the other end was a fresh start – a sober living community. A place to help me get sober and begin to change my life. So I did what I had to do.

 

I felt hopeful. I got on that plane leaving everything and everyone I knew behind. Cutting all ties! I thought… “This is actually happening..." “I can't believe I'm actually going through with this.” When I got to my seat I sat down and the reality hit me…. I was thinking to myself… “I can't-do this. I can't go through with this.” The voices just hammered me … “James, Why are you lying to yourself you can't-do this….” “You're not going to succeed at this….” “This is going to be too hard you don't deserve this!” “You're just going to fuck this up like everything else..” “It's Just a matter of time before you're kicked out of the community..” “This is crazy..” “Leaving your life in Texas to start a new life in California..” “You have only been to California one time for 2 days…”. “You don't know anyone there.” I started to panic the voices just got louder and louder… “James this is fucked..” “You're leaving everything you know..” “How are you going to handle this.” “You have nothing there!” “You're totally going to fuck this up!” “You're not worth this-this is a really bad decision..” Man, I had to stop these voices now!! This was too much to handle... So I did what I did best I said fuck it! It's time to get fucked up! I started ordering drink after drink after drink… by the time we got to California I was obliterated… In fact, I got lost in the airport… and passed out at a bar there. I woke up…. I had no idea where I was, I blacked out I guess… Turns out some people from the Sober living community found me passed out and took me back to where I'd be staying... That next day... I woke up and I was in a completely new place. I'll never forget how blue the sky looked… I was still kind of hungover and out of it from the day before... But something was very different! I had this sense of relief... It seemed like the fear was gone. On the other side of all that fear, there was a sense of freedom and hope! In spite of all the fear, I had followed through on these things… I had taken all the steps to change my circumstances... In spite of being in a completely new place not knowing a soul... And because I was willing to find the courage just to do that ... I felt hopeful. I said to myself… “James, you actually did it! you made it!” I knew I would never do this to myself again. I was determined to live a better life…

 

By committing and following through on just a couple of very big steps Changing my circumstance... Stepping into something unknown... Becoming real in my mind each step of the way.